Walk A Mile In Her Shoes

Unplanned pregnancies

“I’m Pregnant and Don’t Want to Be … What Am I Going to Do?”

She doesn’t want to be pregnant, carry and deliver a baby and just found out that she really is pregnant. She may have cried, begged God, and frantically researched looking for answers.  What is she going to do? Will her parents kick her out? Will she lose her job? Will the father of the baby leave her? Will she have to quit school? Panic, fear, sleepless nights, runaway thoughts……

Over the last 3 months, the internet search terms that I am seeing that are bringing up my website have become more and more desperate. These search queries ask how babies can be self-aborted or terminated at home. Sometimes the most graphic search language is used. It causes me to have emotions of deep sadness and grief.  And yet, I understand this feeling a woman has of being trapped by a life changing event. She doesn’t want to be faced with this difficult decision, but this pregnancy is real and can’t be avoided. 

First, she must come to grips with the fact that she is going to have a baby. She can call me, Charlotte (Phone #281-235-5103) and we will go over the specifics of her current situation.  I have been doing this work for over 40 years and have helped women in countless tough situations and am nonjudgmental.  From other posts you will know that I am unapologetically pro-life. And I also love and have compassion for all women in situations of unplanned pregnancies, no matter their decision. I empathize with their feelings of desperation that drive them to consider making and ultimately make drastic decisions. I want them to know, if they decide to carry the baby, there is help for them.

THE TEXAS HEARTBEAT BILL
Senate Bill 8

86(R) HB 1500 – Texas Legislature Online

Second, with the Texas Heartbeat Bill, which prohibits an abortion after the baby’s heartbeat is detected which is normally during the 6th week of pregnancy, there are only two options open to a birthmother.  Most women don’t realize they are pregnant until it is too late for an abortion. The two options left are, keeping the baby or letting someone else raise the baby if she isn’t ready. 

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN CONSIDERING ADOPTION

A woman who is considering an adoption plan for her baby may hear statements like, “How can you do that?”, “Don’t you love your baby?”, “I could never give my baby away”, “You’re a horrible person if you do that”, God will punish you if give your baby away”, “You won’t know what kind of people are raising your baby”, “If you don’t want it, give it to me.”, “Why didn’t you use protection, that’s just being stupid?”, “If I could raise my kids by myself, you can too.”,

“you, messed up now you have to pay the price”, and on and on. 

There have been many birthmothers over the years who have gone clear through their pregnancy which they hid, delivered the baby, and placed for adoption without anyone knowing. They did this so they wouldn’t have to deal with the comments, pressure, judgement, or criticism.  Though I am there to support these birthmothers, its’ heartbreaking that a woman would have to shoulder a decision and experience like this without any support from her loved ones.  My memory is full of countless women whose hands I have held during delivery because they had no one else.  

It’s no wonder women with unplanned pregnancies are hesitant to consider or even talk about adoption.  When someone makes these comments to a woman, I want to confront them and ask them questions like, “Do you have a family that tells you they will kick you out if you have a baby?”, “Did you grow up in an abusive home?”, “Are you in a relationship with an abusive man?” “Do you only have the education and training to get a minimum wage job and can’t even afford a car, much less pay for day care while you work?”, “Is the father of your baby in jail?”, “Do you belong to a culture or religion that will expel or shun you for getting pregnant outside of marriage?”, “Do you have absolutely no support financially or emotionally from family, friends or the father of the baby?”, “Do you have other children and you are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table?” 

If you aren’t willing to financially support the pregnant woman and her children if, she needs help, then please keep your opinions to yourself. I may sound angry, and I admit, I do get upset when people say these things to me and these moms.

I know that sounds harsh, but I make no apologies as I have seen what the harm careless comments made to a vulnerable, pregnant young women can do. Please think before making critical comments about a decision that isn’t your decision to make and you may have no experience to understand. It’s easy to criticize as we sit in our nice safe homes while a woman who is pregnant may be one month away from living in a car or “couch surfing” at friend’s houses. Consider the saying, “Walk a Mile in her shoes” before judging and making critical comments. 

THE DECISION TO PLACE A CHILD FOR ADOPTION “A HEAD OR HEART DECISION”

I recall one young woman, who was 18 years old.  Her parents were involved in dangerous activities using and selling drugs.  She already had a two-year-old little boy and was pregnant again by the same father who also was just a teenager.  She did not want her son exposed to her family’s illegal activities and ask them not to use drugs around him.  Their response was to kick her out of the house, even though she was pregnant and had a 2-year-old.  She had no car, no money, a high school education, no job, and undependable childcare for her son.  She moved from one friend’s place to another, sleeping on their couches, until she was asked to leave if she couldn’t pay.  She knew she had to do something because her last option was telling her, it was time to get out or pay.  

This is when she called me.  She was given attainable tasks and goals that after she reached them, I would help her. She accomplished everything I asked of her, time and again. We worked together and by the end of her post-partum recuperation, she had her own apartment, a job, childcare for her son, and was saving up for a car.  She was proud of herself because she worked hard and made some tough decisions to become independent and self-sufficient.  I will never forget her.  She went through her pregnancy, delivery, and the placement of her newborn, with only me as her emotional support with incredible wisdom and maturity.  

Each of the women I have worked with have spiritually enriched, educated, and amazed me at their strength, intelligence, and reasoning ability.  If you think about it, you will recognize that adoption is more a “head decision” than a “heart decision”.  A “head decision” considers the facts and decides based on reality.  A “heart decision” is made up almost solely of emotion and what a person feels.  It is true that there will always be a mix of both head and heart in almost every decision.  When considering the decision to place a child, which is going to win in the “emotion” wrestling match between the head and the heart?  I have observed, women of all ages, education levels, ethnicities, and socio-economic backgrounds as they struggle with making the best decision for their baby while engaged in the battle between their head and their heart.  I have never seen a “normal” woman who did not want her baby once it was born.  A woman who chooses adoption will be making the hardest decision of her life.  She won’t make this decision because she doesn’t love her baby; in fact, in most cases it is because she loves her baby and wants them to have the stability and opportunities, she cannot give them.   It is a sacrifice on her part. She will be sacrificing her opportunity to parent this child. 

One of the adoptive mom’s I worked with, developed, and administered tests as an independent tester in high schools.  Interestingly, she decided to throw in some questions that asked what a student would do if they or their girlfriend got pregnant. They were given the options of A) keep the baby and raise it B) get an abortion or C) make an adoption plan for the baby. She would then see if there was any correlation between their ability to reason and think through a problem, basic intelligence scores, academic achievements, and the answer they chose.  She told me that without fail the students who selected C) ranked higher on the intelligence scale, reasoning ability and had higher grades.   No, she did not publish these test results that I am aware of. She was just curious to know if there would be a pattern or connection.

HOW TO TALK TO A WOMAN EXPERIENCING AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

When a pregnant mom asks me what I think they should do, I never give them my opinion.  I will ask them guided questions to help them decide for themselves what is best.  Whether she, keeps her baby or places her baby for adoption, she will be the one that lives with the decision the rest of her life.  I even advise the extended family, if they are involved, to refrain from giving their opinion unless they are willing to accept the blame and consequences if the mom regrets her decision.  I encourage the extended family to be honest with what they will and will not do in helping with the support and care of the child if the mom keeps the baby and then leave the decision up to her. Friends’ and family’s love and emotional support is invaluable.

ENCOURAGE PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING FOR A WOMAN WITH AN UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY

Third, counseling is important for a pregnant mom or a woman who has just delivered.  During these conversations between the mom and me, we talk about her fears, and identify whether they are realistic. There are usually solutions and answers to a birthmother’s concerns.  

She may be concerned that she won’t be able to place the baby if she decides to allow the pregnancy to go full term.  This is the reason for getting an abortion that I have heard over and over through the years.  I have difficulty with this reasoning as it acknowledges that the fetus is a baby. Then rationalizes that the pregnancy must be terminated so “I won’t want to keep it”.  This fear will be addressed and discussed during counseling and comes from a fear that their heart will overpower their head. 

 Because of my years of experience, I have been able to help many birthparents work through difficult situations and emotions when there may not have seemed to be an answer.  Often, it is being able to receive an honest answer from a knowledgeable person that brings everything into focus.  There is so much on the internet, YouTube and television presented solely with the goal of sensationalizing something or presenting the absolute worst story that can be dug up, just to get reactions and views. Often, these stories are told to a woman considering adoption by a friend or family member to manipulate her. Women considering adoption often become frightened by these stories about adoptions that have gone badly.

Yes, there are bad situations in adoption, in visits to the doctor, hospitals, in schools, in athletics, and in churches.  Does that make all adoptions, doctors, hospitals, schools, athletics, and churches bad? No, in fact, there are good and bad in every area of life.  

I recall, when in college, first hearing the truth statement that “fear often comes because of lack of knowledge”. The more knowledge we have about something the less fear we have regarding it and can separate fact from fiction and then recognize what is a unrealistic fear.  Therefore, it is important for a woman with an unexpected pregnancy to seek truthful answers from a trusted source.  Most importantly she should work only with a reputable licensed agency located in her state.  

Click The link below to read previous blogs.

Judge Softly
Unraveling the the Truth Part I: Finding An Adoptive Family On The Internet
Unraveling the the Truth Part II: Unraveling the truth about finding an Adoptive Family on the internet