Holidays And Adoption

Waiting Parents

Holidays can be emotional times, no matter what we bring from our history or current situation whether happy memories, disappointments, hopes, hurts, complications, or joys from family interactions. It is not unusual for a sense of melancholy or even depression to creep into our emotions. For myself, I can identify with all these emotions.

For couples or families who have begun the adoption process or have been trying to get pregnant and are hopefully waiting for the call that will tell them they may become parents to a precious baby; holidays can be especially emotional and challenging.  These couples will often be barraged with questions from well-meaning friends and relatives about the progress of their efforts to have a family.  This can create tension and bring up feelings of sadness if there has been a long wait and many failed attempts.

To add to the feelings of loss a waiting couple may experience could be the presence of relatives who may be pregnant or have newborn babies, which only heightens their feelings of loss.  Through the years waiting couples have shared the difficulties of expressing happiness for others who are fortunate to be blessed with a child and guilt over these feelings.

These are all normal emotions, and a waiting couple should not hesitate to talk with their adoption or fertility counselor to prepare them for or work through their emotions after these holiday or family gatherings.

The waiting couple may want to talk with a trusted friend or family member prior to attending these family events and ask them to please make the family aware of the status, of their plans so it does not come up over and over.  Also, comments made by others such as advice as to ways to get pregnant, criticism of the organization that is helping them, careless remarks regarding why they have not been able to carry or successfully get pregnant should be discouraged; including questions about “whose fault it is”.  The waiting couple should never feel or be made to feel shame or embarrassment for not having been able to successfully complete their family

A book that some families have found helpful is “Adopting After Infertility” and “Adoption is a Family Affair!; What Friends and Family Must Know” both written by Patricia Irwin Johnston.  It is a good book for the waiting family’s friends and extended family to also read.