Holidays, Sharing Adoption & The Adopted Child Part I

Whether Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day or Birthdays, during these times of the year children who have been adopted may have thoughts and concerns that seem to come out of nowhere and often come as a surprise their adoptive family/adoptive parents.

Following one Mother’s Day, An adoptive mom called me wanting to share a conversation she had with her elementary school aged daughter and get my advice.  This little girl had been placed for adoption as an infant and had never met her Birth parents.  The exchange went something like this, “Mom, do you think my birthmother is thinking about me today?” This took her adoptive mom by surprise who said, “well, of course. I am sure she thinks of you often.”  After considering this for a few minutes, this sweet little girl replied, “you said, my birthparents couldn’t keep me because they didn’t have enough money. You and Daddy have money; why didn’t you give them money so they could keep me?” The adoptive mom was taken off guard and admitted she didn’t know how to respond.

I explained to her, it is important not to try and explain to an adopted child, their birthparent’s reasons for placing them for adoption in simple terms.  Most decisions to make an adoption plan are made up of many factors which may include financial considerations however this is rarely the only reason.  The complicating circumstances often include no family support, no support from a father, a working mom and or a mom in school, and other children in the family. The support I am referring to is not only financial but also emotional as well as help caring for the child or children while the mom is working or going to school.  The birthmother may be young or may be worried that a man in her life that she knows is abusive, an alcoholic, drug abuser or has mental health issues will be around the baby; she fears for the safety of the baby.

It is better to say “the birthparents made the decision to let us raise you as our own child for many reasons but none of them were because they didn’t love or want you.  They loved you. There are some things you won’t be able understand until you get older; when you are old enough, I will try to help you get the answers to the questions you have.”

When going through the process of adopting a child, it is also important to be careful what you share with other family members regarding a child’s biological history.  This is the adopted child’s history and should be held private to be shared only by you with them.  Family and friends may be curious and ask questions that you may see as harmless to answer. Many years later this information could be shared with the child incorrectly and the child will feel resentful and confused that they learned this from someone other than you as their parent. These conversations often occur during holiday gatherings and celebrations.  Be prepared to respond to this curiosity, kindly but firmly that you appreciate their interest however you don’t feel comfortable sharing this information.

I absolutely encourage providing the full biological information an adoptive parents has in their possession when their child is ready. I would recommend getting counseling for the child and the adoptive parents while sharing, especially if this history has some difficult information.  More to follow in Part II.