Part II: Unraveling the truth about finding an Adoptive Family on the internet:
After signing my agreement with the facilitating agency to counsel the expecting mom, I called her to schedule an appointment for our 1st of 3 required visits, this being only a couple of weeks before the baby was born. For privacy purposes, I will use fictitious names.
Carla was very quiet and soft spoken during our visit. She lived in a rural community on the outskirts of Houston, with her parents in a small, sparsely furnished though neatly kept home. Carla was in her late teens and met me while her parents were at work. During my visit with her, Carla related that she didn’t know who the father was and gave the scenario I hear frequently that it was a one-night stand at a party and that she never got his full name and never saw or heard from him again. None of her friends or acquaintances could help her with more information about him.
We talked about how when she learned she was pregnant, she went online and started searching for potential adoptive families and came across an adoption facilitator website. Searching on these websites can be compared to looking for a car on Carmax or similar clearing house websites. You put in what you are looking for and pages of families, some with professionally created videos and presentations come up.
As she went on to describe how things evolved from that point, I became increasingly disturbed and I must admit, annoyed at the impersonal process with which there was basically no real professional guidance or protections in navigating the relationship between the adoptive family and birthing mom. Having selected a family, Sharon and Bill, she notified the facilitator agency and she and the family were put in contact with each other for emailing and phone calls. Carla and they had not met in person and neither understood what to expect once the baby was born. Frankly, I felt sad and disturbed at the lack of preparation they had received.
Every Placement and relationship between an adoptive and birth family is unique and should have individualized attention to work through the concerns, flexibilities and expectations of each person involved. To state the obvious, this is a lifelong relationship and getting it right from the start will avoid misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and will aid in the birthing mom’s emotional healing.
During my first visit with Carla, I did my best to prepare her for what was getting ready to happen. Approximately, a week later, I was notified that Carla had her baby. Sharon and Bill contacted me upon being notified of the birth and made plans to come to Houston. After talking with them for a short time, I learned they were not aware of the role Interstate Compact would play in this, they had not been informed that they needed to hire an attorney in Texas to prepare the Relinquishments, that they would have to stay in Texas until the Interstate Compact Divisions of both Texas and Alabama both cleared the placement for the transport of the child across state lines.
Interstate Compact was initially formed as a governing entity in all 50 States to monitor and approve the transport of children across state lines. Its purpose was to simplify this process across the 50 states. However, as with all government organizations, it does not serve to simplify rather it complicates the process and becomes entangled with each state’s own individual adoption and transport of minors across state lines requirements. These can vary from state to state. The licensed adoption agency in their state, that completed their home study was to be notified and would also have to give their approval for the child to be under their supervision for at least six months prior to the finalization of the adoption. This agreement needed to be submitted to both state’s Interstate Compact divisions before approval for the transport of the child from Texas to Alabama.
The baby was delivered during a holiday season, and Bill, Sharon and Carla were unable to get in touch with anyone except me. I was left with the responsibility of guiding the adoptive family through their placement and helping them connect with an attorney who would begin the paperwork for the Relinquishments that Carla would sign, act as intermediary between her and the adoptive parents, be present when the Relinquishments were signed and contact Carla after she left the hospital to assess her emotional status. Even though I had only contracted to provide counseling to the birthing mom; there was no way I was going to abandon Sharon and Bill to struggle through this without helping them.
Carla signed the Relinquishments and though she seemed stable, I sensed she was in a state of shock and had not fully processed what was happening. This of course, is a normal reaction to a decision such as this however the concern for me is that reality will set in at some point in this young girl’s life and she will need support, guidance, and counseling. Who will be there for her to help her understand why she is having the feelings she is having and if they are normal?
These women are human beings who deserve, a loving and patient response to their grief which may not surface for years. They have made the hardest decision of their life and have set aside, in most cases, what they want which is to respond to their maternal instincts and urges to love and care for their child and made the sacrifice of a decision that they feel will give their child the best chance for a healthy happy life full of opportunities they would give to the child if they had the resources.
You probably already can tell I am not a fan of facilitated adoptions and obviously can see the lack of ongoing care and attention available for both the adoptive and birthing moms. These organizations present that the moms have more control in these types of situations. This is not accurate. They have less control, because they do not have an advocate to speak on their behalf and to be there if follow up in the future is needed. Most women who make an adoption plan for their babies do not understand that Contact Agreements between Birth and Adoptive Parents are not legal agreements but rather trust agreements. This is where clear and honest communication between each party is critical and often requires an intermediary to help them establish and navigate through their relationship. It has been my experience that it is always easier for Birth moms and adoptive parents to express their feelings to me rather than directly to each other. I am then able to help answer questions and concerns related to these requests and/or feelings and then help with negotiating or formalizing the understanding between the parties.
As this occurred during the holidays, Sharon and Bill had to stay in Texas for over a month with the baby in an extended stay suite while approval from the Alabama adoption agency, Texas Interstate Compact and Alabama Interstate Compact cleared the movement of the child with the family into Alabama.
When making an adoption plan, whether you are an adoptive family or an expecting mom, it is always safer, easier, and smoother if you use a fully accredited and licensed adoption agency with a long and reputable history of helping adoptive and birthing moms. Don’t be afraid to ask questions such as are you state licensed, how many complaints have you had, is there a time limit on counseling for the birth mother, what is your licensing representatives name and number, or any other concerns you may have. If they are reputable, they will have no problem answering your questions.